Index for posts concerning Comedy

My Old Tambourine by invot
0 comments

Dear Bryan (A bird doesn’t sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song) by invot
1 comment

Bieren’s Morning Poetry Series #23 by Bieren Skidels
1 comment

Being Broken by invot
2 comments

Your Mexican stats! by Darth B'strad
0 comments

Welcome by Little Boy Lost
3 comments

Chaotic Manifesto by invot
4 comments

My Old Tambourine

Posted on August 18th, 2010 by invot.
Categories: Music, Comedy.

from a young age, you knew what it means
to love like the sires
and love like the thieves
a heart that erased memories
writes time blank,
scattered, incomplete

In the past days, you knew what it means
to laugh with your friends
and to cry there with me
suddenly there was no harmony
You wrote me plundered,
a liar and a cheat

But I would travel in your band
playing my old tambourine,
And I would travel in your van
singing a new harmony

tell me, where did you find that guitar?
Where’d you learn the songs that you sing?
It all seems to me so bizarre
that I have no-one to thank,
for what means the most to me

But I would travel in your band
playing my old tambourine,
And I would travel in your van
driving you safe while you sleep

there’s no other place where I belong
I want to live inside that song
take me away from all I know
Though I can’t stay, it’s where I go
there’s no other place where I belong
memories lost of what went wrong
what else could we need to know
I want to live inside the show

0 comments.

Dear Bryan (A bird doesn’t sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song)

Posted on July 11th, 2010 by invot.
Categories: War, Comedy.

Have you ever felt like there’s something infinite and foul inside of you? an infinite Sadness, maybe? A Sadness that, once you reach for it and grasp it, it becomes so real that you can feel your blood run cold and your teeth chatter as it stands before you? Something deep within assures you that it holds the power to eat you alive, and once you touch it - even in the slightest - it demands to be fed;

and it feeds on pieces of you,

pieces you need,

pieces you miss…

Truth be told, I know you’ve felt it, and I know you’re likely thinking that I have only just explained the half of it. There’s so much to be said about its hunger, its power, and its presence. Oh, its presence is so relentless and unkind, isn’t it?

I’ve felt it there –that same Sadness– more and more each day while knowing you. (Now, I didn’t know that it had already been there for years, possibly my whole life –planted by the hands of someone or something far more powerful than I.) It was then that my emotional being began to speak. It came back to life after it had been swallowed down for years, clogging up my esophagus, numbing my throat as if I swallowed a whole tube of Orajel, so I get that special ‘lil tingle reminding me that pain should be here, but all I’m feeling now is a sharp tingle, because my nerve endings need a rest. Where there was once only numbness, there grew pain, pain that was unleashed through the streams that branched wildly out from two bluish pools, never exhausting, never calloused and unfeeling, that rested so beautifully in the center of an unmistakable and strangely proportionate face.

You would deliver this infinite Sadness to me –better, stronger, more diabolical than ever before– with the slightest of glances.

Does the Sadness see me as nothing but a late-night snack? It was always your eyes that would bring me to it, willing to loosen another piece of myself and watch it be chewed up by its infinite teeth. Does the Sadness speak of nothing but my defeat?

The truth is, the Sadness was not born of devils and darkness, but of all those pieces of you and I within us both. The Sadness was telling me something. It’s speaking to you too.

The Sadness is not there to devour me, it’s a result of me consuming myself. There’s pieces of us both we’re denying, and the Sadness has come as a result of us both carving away at our souls.

For me, it was my love for you. Though I was ashamed to admit it for so long, I always knew that was the culprit. There were nights where I would watch you sleep and [so very silently] I would cry. I felt so defeated warming just one side of my mattress, with another empty slot beside me, wondering when it will ever be used. Especially when the one man my heart spoke volumes of laid quietly (I know, I was the snoring one) at the other end of the room.

I felt like, by hiding this, I was cheating on myself. But I did it anyway, because I was scared of losing you.

However, it should go without saying that ultimately those fears were realized.

But that’s not why I’m writing this. I’m writing this because I wasn’t the only one who fed the Sadness. It had us both.

And, what still puzzles me to this day is why it had you too. My mind, for a time, was consumed by this question. Every minute of ever hour I thought about you and the Sadness, sacrificing everything to understand it.

A few nights ago, I stumbled across a video of the two of us. I know that if I posted it you would instantly take this whole thing down (as you did my Bible verses), as it could be seen as incriminating, so you’ll have to take my word for it when I say it wasn’t easy to watch.

We told each-other things I haven’t heard in a very long time.

It made me miss you, though it was a you that I lost quite some time ago. Long before I left the house.

Though you smiled time and again, the Sadness was standing beside you. You could hear it in my voice that I was trying to cast it away, but it was more at home there than I. It was more welcome than any guest has ever been. In fact, I always sensed it in you –the sadness– since the first day I met you. I never knew what to do about it. I could never figure it out or make it better.

The man I loved was being consumed by a monster, and I hadn’t the slightest clue how to stop it.

My theory, as of late, has been that I was the source of the Sadness. This is why I had to leave. Then you would be happier and this venomous shadow would be driven away from you.

I hope this is the case. But I have no way of knowing.

To be honest, I was not interested in speaking with you until I saw that video. It reminded me why I fought so hard for you. I was close to showing up at your church this morning, but changed my mind after feeling that you (as well as everyone else) would not be interested in seeing me.

I just want to know that you are okay. I want to know what to pray for when I pray for you. I hate that I still think of you, but I feel that until my heart lets you go, you have a right to be there, so I shouldn’t despise it.

I hope that you are okay… and that the Sadness doesn’t take you over –as it was when I was with you.

Truthfully, I have nothing but love for you, regardless of everything. And not just the kind of love that shamed me in the past. I really do wish you the best, even if that requires me to disappear from your life completely. I also hope that you find what it is that you need. You can overcome whatever it is that is fighting against you, as the name of our Lord is Victory. And yes, we do have the same God, I believe this wholly, and thus we are brethren. We are adopted into the family of Christ, and amongst this family, there ought to be no devision.

1 comment.

Bieren’s Morning Poetry Series #23

Posted on February 24th, 2010 by Bieren Skidels.
Categories: Poetry, Comedy, Parental Advisory.

“Coffee”

my coffee may taste like shit, but
when it’s gone
I still miss it

a life is not corroborated
unless
it’s companionated

eggs and bacon are more than just neighbors
they’re collaborators

and in the mouth of nazis
it’s still breakfast

truckers in a diner at 3am
all wait for the same drunk waitress
all order the same special dish
and all drink the same
dank
coffee

but I don’t have any coffee

1 comment.

Being Broken

Posted on September 14th, 2009 by invot.
Categories: Ethics, Philosophy, Creative Writing, Religon, education, Christianity, Comedy, Sermons.

• The Philosophy of Brokenness

So how many of you have heard the cliché…”if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”…?

Most people tend to abide by that with the exception of boys between the ages of 2 and 6.

I discovered this a few years back while helping my girlfriend at the time, Heidi, babysit. Her younger step-siblings were bouncing about in front us us, demanding every ounce of our attention, while we tried to prepare dinner for the four of us.

Because I’m the smartest man in the universe, I thought it would be a good idea to distract them with whatever shiny objects I could find. I gave little Corinne a toy convertible that was lying around. Then I reached into the drawer in front of me, looked at 5 year old Dylan, and handed him a fillips head screw driver. Go me!

Well, Dylan walked away with the screwdriver, and from seeing his dad around the house, Dylan knew exactly what to do with it… or should I say… he at least knew how to operate it.

Dylan took his new found friend and started going around the house in search of something to turn with it. Door knobs, toys, toilet seats… on and on.

When dinner was ready, Heidi walked over to Dylan’s room, but quickly returned with a doorknob in her hand and a look on her face that said “I still love you, despite this…”

We found Dylan in the garage, standing on a chair removing all the screws to all the garage door brackets that he could reach. One click of the garage door opener and the whole door would have collapsed onto the ground.

You see, Dylan’s philosophy was …”if it ain’t broke…then break it”

“if it ain’t broke…then break it” think about that for a minute. Do you realize how utterly God-like that is?

The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
The righteous man may have many troubles,
but the LORD delivers him from them all.
- Psalm 34:17-19

You see, God wants us to break. He promises to be “close to the brokenhearted,” to be our source of power, courage and wisdom, helping us to get through our problems. This is when he can show us how great he is and how much we have to learn..

Oswald Chambers said this about brokenness:

When God gets us alone through suffering, heartbreak, temptation, disappointment, sickness, or by thwarted desires, a broken friendship, or a new friendship—when He gets us absolutely alone, and we are totally speechless, unable to ask even one question, then He begins to teach us.

• The Method of Brokenness

So let me tell you about another member of Heidi’s family, her youngest sibling, Corinne. When Corinne was real young, she had this pillow-like stuffed animal that she referred to as “Puppy.” It was really just a cheap pillow. The material was thin, the colors faded rather quickly and it really wasn’t something that you were proud of when you went out with her and she would want to take ’Puppy’. Countless times while babysitting we tried to bribe her into leaving it in the car. Never happened. She was as proud of her Puppy as anything. If you knew Corinne you knew Puppy. They might as well have been sewn together.

Then one day, while I was again helping Heidi babysit, the “Puppy” had a run in with the “Dog.”

Needless to say, the Dog won. Puppy was strewn from one end of the house to the other. There was stuffing everywhere. I never knew that Puppy had so much in her. And of course, before we could pick up Puppy’s remains, Corinne walks in and finds Puppy’s tattered corpse lying by the couch. But being the trooper that she was, and much more adult-like than either Heidi or myself, Corinne picks up Puppy and brings it to her big sister….still leaving a trail of stuffing behind. She holds Puppy up with big blue, wet eyes and simply says… “Puppy’s bwoke.”

And that would have been fine if both of us didn’t burst out laughing. Which instantly caused Corinne to run to her room and slam the door. What then emerged was a tug of war between Heidi and her sister over Puppy. After going on for what seemed like days, Heidi finally looked down at Corinne and said:

“I can’t fix her till you let go of it.”

And she let go. And through the years she gained a lot of experience with letting that thing go, because poor Puppy had to be fixed a lot. If it wasn’t an animal tearing it up, it was her brother pulling the puppy’s tail off, or the dryer burning a hole in it’s cheap fabric.

“I can’t fix her till you let go of it” isn’t that what God is telling us too?

If it ain’t broke….then break it….but let go of it when it breaks.

• The Problem with Brokenness

We need never be ashamed of our tears,
for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth,
overlying our hard hearts.
- Charles Dickens

In our age of disposable everything, what do we normally do with something that is broken?….we throw it away and get a new one. It’s easier that way isn’t it?

Well God does things a little different. God is in the restoration business, so rarely does he give us an easy road to take. He wants to see us repaired, instead of replaced. He wants to see us turn to Him, instead of ourselves. He wants us to get down to the point that we can confess those parts of our lives that are painful and hurting, those parts that are not perfect an don’t measure up. God knows that when we get there, our humanity and it’s frailties will become instruments of healing if we allow it to lead us to confessing to God. He wants us to know that our dependence on Him will set us free.

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. - 1 John 1:9

Letting go of it. This is where Bryan can tell you I have a major struggle. I’m one of those classic types that much prefer to suppress my feelings and hurt than have to share it with anyone. I always rationalize it by saying that it’s easier that way. I just try and bury it all and think that it won’t affect me nor will it affect others. However, doing that never works very well, now does it? Bryan can tell you about many a times where my emotional bottle broke, and everything torrents out over a hysterical phone call.

I know that some of us are much like that. It’s usually the quiet types, but sometimes it’s the outgoing ones as well.

But I learned something very valuable about all that: You see, those hurts you are feeling are the beginnings of a brokenness. Call it a crack if you will. But what I, and maybe some of you, tend to do is to try and take some emotional cement and try and patch that crack up. And that may work for a little while until that crack happens again. Stuff starts to seep out and it begins to affect your relationships.

So we may take that cement and try and patch over the patch. And it may work a little while until it starts to crack again. We repeat this process over and over and each time it works for a shorter duration. Finally one day the patch no longer works and most the gunk we kept putting in there, finally explodes out.

It is written in the Psalms that tears are like seed and weeping is like the sowing of that seed in prayer. (Psalm 126:5-6)

God will never plant the seed of his life upon the soil of a hard, unbroken spirit. He will only plant that seed where the conviction of His Spirit has brought brokenness, where the soil has been watered with the tears of repentance as well as the tears of joy.
- Alan Redpath

• The Strength in Brokenness

Is this brokenness? That depends on your next move. You see, you still will have bits of that patch on top of the crack that hindered all the gunk from coming out. And if your next move is to try and patch it again yourself, it will remain the weakest part of your heart and the whole process is destined to repeat itself. I know this because I’ve been there and done that many times.

However, if at that point, you turn to God and ask him not to throw in a quick-fix or replace it or simply hide it away, but to restore it, then you have reached brokenness and true healing can begin.

This is His plan for you.

God wants you broken so that you turn to him for help. Then God wants to restore us and make us stronger. But how, you ask, is something stronger once it is broken?

Lets look at the word restore. That word comes up over a hundred times in the Bible. The word itself back then, was a medical term that meant, “to set a broken bone”. And as a Christian, when we fall into sin, it’s much like a broken bone that affects the rest of your body…it needs restoring. When you break your leg, you normally end up on crutches and then your arms and other leg must then support the weight of the injured leg until it heals or is restored.

And once that broken bone is set, it actually heals and becomes much more stronger than the surrounding bone.. Almost as if nature were determined to fortify herself against another attack.

And look at other examples of something becoming stronger after breaking.

Immunities…you’ve heard of developing immunities against a sickness before. Like the bone, your body will become more resistant to illness, the more you have them.

A piece of steel can break, but once welded, the weld itself is many times stronger than the surrounding steel.

Also, a piece of steel becomes harder and stronger when you temper it. This is a process of heating and cooling it many times, thus breaking down its internal structure to become stronger. Tempered glass is much the same way. It is breaking down its internal structure to produce something 5 times stronger.

The incision that is made into a heart during open-heart surgery, if properly cared for and allowed to heal, becomes the strongest part of the heart muscle.

If it ain’t broke…… then break it….you’ll become stronger.

• The Greatness of Brokenness

So then how does God use something that is broken?

In Judges 7, we see that after Gidean’s army was whittled down from 32,000 to a mere 300. God equipped them with only a trumpet, and a torch inside an empty jar. But when they broke those jars and blew their horns, the Midianites were thrown into chaos from all that racket and turned on them selves.

Could you ever ride a horse that has not been broken? A broken horse makes a great companion, but a stallion out of control is dangerous. A horse does not give up its strength or power when it is broken, but rather it is just brought under the control of its owner. Kind of like us and God don’t you think?

Countless times, God has restored a broken heart to achieve greatness.

- Before Abraham became the father of many nations, his wife suffered from a barren womb.
- Before Joseph ruled Egypt, his brothers sold him into slavery.
- Before Job’s estate was doubled, he lost everything he had, including his family.
- Before Moses led Israel out of Egypt, he was a fugitive running for his life.
- Before Samson crushed the Philistines, he met Delilah.
- Before David was anointed king, he was rejected by his family.
- Before Hosea became a powerful spokesman for God, his wife betrayed him and returned to prostitution.
- Before Peter preached 3,000 souls into the kingdom, he denied his Savior three times.
- Before Paul brought the gospel to the Gentiles, he was blinded on the Damascus road.

Before these ministers here have brought you a message, they were all broken.

These men experienced brokenness before greatness ever became them. Breaking is a good thing. God established a pattern long ago of preceding greatness with brokenness.

If it ain’t broke….then break it…..greatness will follow.

• The Call to Brokenness

I want to share one more example of brokenness from the bible, which I think will hit us all close to home.

Now one of the Pharisees invited Jesus to have dinner with him, so he went to the Pharisee’s house and reclined at the table. When a woman who had lived a sinful life in that town learned that Jesus was eating at the Pharisee’s house, she brought an alabaster jar of perfume, and as she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears. Then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them.
When the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, “If this man were a prophet, he would know who is touching him and what kind of woman she is–that she is a sinner.”
Jesus answered him, “Simon, I have something to tell you.”
“Tell me, teacher,” he said.
“Two men owed money to a certain moneylender. One owed him five hundred denarii, and the other fifty. Neither of them had the money to pay him back, so he canceled the debts of both. Now which of them will love him more?”
Simon replied, “I suppose the one who had the bigger debt canceled.”
“You have judged correctly,” Jesus said.
Then he turned toward the woman and said to Simon, “Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet. Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven–for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little.”
Then Jesus said to her, “Your sins are forgiven.”
- Luke 36:48

This sinful woman became broken in front of Jesus and all else there.

You would not be pleased with sacrifices, or I would bring them. If I brought you a burnt offering, you would not accept it. The sacrifice you want is a broken spirit. A broken and repentant heart, O God, you will not despise. - Psalm 51:16-17

My question to you tonight is this: How can we, be more like this woman? How can we break our hearts for God?

The Puritans, a group of people I personally have much respect for, are known historically for actually calling themselves “repenters” rather than Christians. Can we say the same? Can we call ourselves “repenters”? Can we submit to a life filled with repentance and brokenness, just like the sinful woman in Luke 36?

For the sorrow that is according to the will of God produces a repentance without regret, leading to salvation… - 2 Corinthans 7:10

God is close to the broken hearted. And you know why?…because the broken have discovered what is really important in life.. The broken have learned the difference between what is real and important, versus what is fake and unimportant.

However, you can’t choose how you will be broken. Puppy didn’t choose the encounter with the Dog. God uses all sorts of methods to break us. It may be a friend-of-a-friend that you don’t particularly like, an event you don’t want to attend, or circumstances that may seem unfair. At some point you will need to stop asking “why is this happening”? and then turn to God and say….”so what do you want me to learn”?

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. - Matthew 5:3

You are the only one that can surrender to brokenness. God may bring you to that point over and over, but he won’t push you through it…he won’t beat you into submission. You have do it yourself.

And if you refuse to be broken in this life, well… you won’t have any choice in the next.

He can’t fix you until you’re broke….and he can’t fix you until you let go.

So if it’s not broke….then lets break it…..let it go…….become stronger…..and let the greatness God has in store for you….. come through.

2 comments.

Your Mexican stats!

Posted on March 26th, 2009 by Darth B'strad.
Categories: Immigration, Race, Comedy.

I just thought it would be a good time to lighten up the mood around here so I deiced to post up this e-mail that’s been going around for you to “Sheck your Mexican status.” You know how thous chain e-mail things go, you just meet some people that like them and then they’re always sending them to you all the time! But I thought this one was funny but if you get offended– I didn’t write it!

Sheck your Mexican status

If you can run and play any sport while wearing chanclas….You’re a Mexican!!

If your late Tio [uncle] left you a van and you turned it into a taco vending business…Yes, you’re a Mexican.

If you pronounce words beginning with the letter ‘S’ by putting an ‘E’ in front of it, (estop instead of stop or esprite instead of sprite)…big time Mexican.

If you call a chair, a sher, you got it…. Mexican.

If you have ever hurt yourself and your mama rubbed the area while chanting, ‘ Sana , Sana , Colita de rana…..’ You’re Mexican, big time!!!

If you have your last name in old English lettering anywhere, your car, truck, or tattooed on your back…Yes, you ARE a Mexican (proud one too).

If you refer to your wife as your ruca, your hina, your wifa, your old lady, mija or your vieja, guess what?…Not only are you a Mexican, you’re a cholo.

If you throw a ‘Grito’ every time you hear Vicente Fernandez…then not only are you a Mexican, but you are a drunk Mexican.

If you have ever been pinched in church and been told ‘pobrecito de ti si lloras’ or ‘ Vas a ver horita que salgamos.’ …Yes, you’re definitely a Mexican.

If you grew up being called ‘chamaca or chamaco’ ..Mexican.

If you grew up scared of La Llorona, or fear the dark because of El CuCuy)! …Yes! Mexican!

Si te persinas (cross) with a lotto ticket in your hand before every drawing….You’re in the Mexican Zone!!!

If you ask for something by ‘dame esa chingadera’ instead of calling it by its name…Yup! Mexican!

If you constantly refer to cereal as ‘con fleys’ or cake as ‘kay-ke’…You’re a Mexican.

If you use manteca (lard) instead of vegetable oil and can’t figure out why your butt is getting bigger…….You might be a Mexican.

If you have some Tias that dress up in their prom dresses to go to a birthday party at ‘el parque’… Guess what? You are a Mexican.

If your Tias and Abuela dress up in their Sunday best with heels and all to go to the ‘pulga.’ (AKA the Flea Market) …Then, yes, you are a True Mexican.

If most of the houses on your block are painted bright pink, mint green, and lavender. …Mexican.

If you use the bushes in front of your house, the fence, or the top of an old car to dry laundry…Yes, you’re a Mexican.

If you’re congested and your mamasita rubbed ‘Bicks’ on you…You’re Mexican.

IF YOU DON’T NEED ANY EXPLANATIONS FOR ANY OF THE ABOVE, YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE A TRUE MEXICAN. VIVA LA RAZA!!!

You know you’re laughing your head off. It’s all in fun, so don’t get all ‘adolorido.’

0 comments.

Welcome

Posted on March 22nd, 2009 by Little Boy Lost.
Categories: Creative Writing, Comedy, Stories.

Now there’s a new cowboy in town. All I have to say to electric taco or robotic taco or psychotic taco or whatever… I’m your worst nightmare. I’m the post-er your mama warned you about. OK, just kidding. Chill-ax.

Since this is my first post, I should probably tell you a little bit about myself. I’ll begin with my childhood:

Where do I begin?  My father was a relentless self-improving Boulangerie owner from Belgium with low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a 15 year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father… he would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon. Luge lessons. In the spring we’d make meat helmets. When I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds. Pretty standard, really. At the age of 12, I received my first scribe. At the age of 14, a Zoroastrian named Wilmer ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum. It’s breathtaking. I suggest you try it.

3 comments.

Chaotic Manifesto

Posted on December 8th, 2008 by invot.
Categories: Political, Ethics, Philosophy, Creative Writing, Cultural, Comedy.

I found more “I’m sorry your mother is a whore” / “You are a whore and a mother also” cards at Hallmark. One was quite funny: “So I heard you are between boyfriends right now… Do the two of them know about it?” Well, it was something like that, but the point is you’re a whore if you get one of these things in the mail.

4 comments.